WHAT COULD BE THE SOLUTION ?

“DAD. A son’s first hero. A daughter’s first love”- Anonymous 

“MOTHER. You will be her first role model, Her first best friend, Her first love”-Vicki Reece 

Is it true for everyone ? I received a call from one of good friend yesterday. Pratibha, please  come to my house immediately, Dipti (name changed) said sobbingly. Is everything alright ?  Please don’t ask any question, just come fast. Ok, I will be there in an hour. 

A red suitcase was lying on her bed, with clothes all around it.  A pile of  her books,makeups and family photographs placed near the suitcase. I looked around to find her sitting near the window. Her eyes were red with tears flowing down her cheeks. 

I walked slowly towards her and asked , what happened ? are you going anywhere ? Yes, I am leaving the house tonight, Dipti replied. Leaving as in ? I am leaving the house forever. I cannot stay here anymore.

Lost & depressed, she continued. You know Pratibha everyone in my family is blaming me for leaving and running away from the situation. They want me to be strong and face the situation boldly. Even, I am guilty of leaving my mother at this stage, but I just cannot help it. If, I will stay even for a single day, I will go mad. You know, at times I feel, my mind has stopped working.

 

But  why ? What has happened ? You have this perfect family, a booming career and everything else a girl can ask for. Then why ? 

Perfect Family !!! What we see is not the truth always. No body knows, what’s going on behind the closed doors.

Please stop playing with  your words and tell me what’s wrong ? She burst into tears. Pratibha, this has been my secret but I have seen my dad beating my mother many a times in last 9 years. I am tired of it all now and cannot take it anymore. A part of me dying a bit everyday being here witnessing it. 

I understand you Dipti, I told to break the silence between us. We will figure something out, leaving home is not the solution of the problem. 

She got furious, you understand ?? No you don’t understand. I love her, she is my mother but living with her is harder than one can think it is. You don’t know how to react to her constant complaints and nagging. You don’t know how to handle her panic attacks. You don’t have the patience to listen how life has been so unfair to her all the time. You love her but don’t want to spend time with her. You both always end up getting arguments. It’s hard for you to respect her for her weaknesses. You can’t share your thoughts and feelings with her as she is already full of her complain. You miss her when she is gone but the moments she comes, you start to feel irritated and helpless. You try best to help and protect her but at the end it all seems useless.

You are saying to me you understand, how it is to live with my father under the same room knowing all this ?  It’s like,You love and hate him at the same time. Once, he is your role model and a perfect dad, who has given you the wings to fly high and conquer your dreams. At another moment, he is a monster, who beats your mother ruthlessly.You appreciate him as your father. But when you portray him as your mother’s husband, you don’t even feel like calling him you dad. You hate yourself for loving him. You feel like, you are supporting a criminal in his deed. No one can understand, how helpless I feel at times. 

I totally understand you but there should be something that you could do to change it. 

There is nothing , I could do to change it Pratibha.  Instead, In trying to help them and figure out their life, I have lost the direction of mine. What do you think, is it the story of my life only ? There must be thousand of children out there facing the same problem everyday. 

The problem with our society is that we don’t share such things. I feel, our life has become so fake. We fake being a happy family, a happy individual and the list goes on. I don’t understand why we judge and label a person, when one shares their depression, anger , frustration, family problems  & weaknesses.  We all are vulnerable Pratibha and do u believe, we have created a space out there to share our vulnerability ? 

Ok, you are telling  me to find the solution right. Now you tell me what is the solution ? What should I do now ? Should I stay back or leave ? 

I was numb. After few minutes, I told Dipti, I don’t have an answer right now. Let’s meet tomorrow and we will talk. For the time being, please stay back for my sake. You know, there are times in life when you just need to hold yourself up and carry on. Trust me, everything will be fine. I want you to remember that, I love you a lot and will always be there with you holding your back. 

We had our dinner together. I cleaned her bed. Tears flew down my cheeks as our eyes met for the last time. I placed a goodbye kiss on her forehead,while turning off the light of her room with a promise to see her again tomorrow. 

Walking back, I was thinking of her questions ? What can she do ? What could be the solution ? 

What do u think is the solution ? 

Downloaded from Google Images

 

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6 thoughts on “WHAT COULD BE THE SOLUTION ?

  1. Firstly I wish to voice how this violence is going in maybe every second or third household in our world behind closed doors and no one is intervening as it is “behind closed doors”…. And we ALL need to voice that there is “Zero Tolerance to All Violence”.

    I know how that mother feels believe me.. Firstly we need to understand that this isn’t love we are receiving and we need to recognise this ourselves and have the courage to make the choice to change. This isn’t easy as the Perpetrator has taken away our dignity and our rights and we feel we cannot make it on our own as they have physically, verbally , emotionally and financially abused us. We have lost our friends and family and usually the Abusers are very good at showing that “we are the problem” and not them. We are trying to survive as victims and in a world that doesn’t want or care to hear our pleas of help. We need to seek our own help through outside resources eg the medical profession and we need to see “The Cycle of Abuse” in front of us before our eyes. Personally it took me one year to leave in secret and have a plan of action in secret. This can be overwhelming for our mental state. Remember “the Abuser” is always sorry. I fleed but he always found me and made my life a “living hell”. 4 occasions he searched for me, we are their possessions, which brings me to your question in relation to the children.

    The children if they are old enough need to be in touch with a “Kids Hotline” if they are young they all need to be safe. They need to be taken out of the situation as this “torture” affects the children for the rest of their lives. If the mother can’t do this protection and I might add through no fault of her own, the children have to leave but there needs to be put in place where the mother has daily contact with her children and not shunned by the Government or others involved. Her relationship needs to continue in a safe environment with her children. Laws have to be put in place for this contact without “the Abuser ” present. We don’t want to lose our children forever.

    The mother then can get the help she needs financial and emotional to leave either through the new laws made for the children which can “umbrella” a number of support organisations for all involved.

    Clearly our laws are not working! People are not reporting what they hear behind closed doors, everyone is blindfolded by this heart wrenching violence and sadly people mainly women are dying somewhere in the world every minute of the day due to this abuse.

    I hope I have been of assistance in some way to help the children and the victims living in silence.

    1. Thank you Chrissy for sharing your own experiences. It is surely a great help for everyone .

      I can totally relate to the point when you wrote that, Perpetrator makes us believe that we are the problem. At that time, we blame ourselves for the problems and feel guilty o f it.

      I am proud that you could come out of the situation and now helping others to do the same.

      Thanks again for writing.

      Pratibha

  2. Prativa di,
    I have also the same problem. In my family we are 4 members my mother, father and my elder brother. Everyday my father beating my mother.we are both brother and me are staying away from home one day my mother doesn’t tolerate and tell me beta please come to home quickly I came to home at night 10pm and travel 40 kms from hostel, I asked my mother what happen maa(mother) she said nothing your father is not picking up the phone from evening and there was an train sounds I heard please call him and bring him home, I called my father I asked where are you? he said I am in home. I said give the phone to mom, no I am in the way to home, I told him I am in home please come soon.
    I asked my mom what happened mom, she laughed nothing just I called you to see you.i asked what is the mark in your hand. Then she cried for a long time and say your father did that.
    Then the next day I call my brother to come home we tell them a lot but nothing goes right. At last I was in hostel for coaching I am now going to home to live with them I am telling them always the good moments of family nothing in progress.
    I don’t know why people are like this I need also help..
    But prativa di tell your friend that she have to strict and be with them to manage this…

    1. Dear Nikash,

      First of all, I salute your courage to come out in public and share your own story with all of us. You are very brave and we all must learn from you this.

      Right now, I can just say that, Hold on. We are in process of finding the solutions together. There is nothing black and white things in this issue. Different things might work for different people. I will be sharing insight of people here. I strongly believe, by creating a space of sharing and learning, we will find our solution ourselves.

      Pratibha

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